She came into my life and I knew I had met my souls companion. In the quiet dark of night I still see her face hovering above me as she bent her head for loves first kiss. I still hear her soft voice as she whispers “I love you.”. I still feel the overwhelming sense of truth as she promised never to leave, no matter how difficult it became. We were married on July 28th 1996 at 4:30pm.
On December 28th 2009 at 4:38 pm I came home to a half sheet of torn paper on the floor. It simply said, “I thought today would be a good day to leave.”
She had spent five years planning my rape. She took everything I valued. She took hope, my past, present, and future, she took my ability to trust and love.
I see her every night as I close my eyes and I still feel her as the wind brushes against my tear stained face.
I die a little more each day knowing I will never hear her voice, see her smile, hold her hand, or wake to see her face child like in sleep. I long for but a single moment when I won’t feel the unrelenting pain of a life without her.
Nothing takes away the pain. I can numb it with drugs or alcohol, but it is always there in the background waiting to consume me all over again. No one understands, no one see the pain in my eyes; only the smile on my face.
As time passes I trust less and less. I am becoming hardened and cold. My heart once a playground of passion, joy and never ending love now lies broken and discarded.